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Twins in Midlife:
How a Women’s Support Group Can Help You
When Heidi Rome, 47, was pregnant two years ago with her first child, she did what most expectant moms do—she signed up for pregnancy preparation and parenting classes. “I had this fantasy that having a baby would open the door to all these new moms, new friends,” remembers the New York City marketing director.
Yet when she got to class and looked around she quickly realized that she was much older than most of the other new moms. And while they were friendly toward her, they never made any attempt to connect with her. “It was upsetting,” Rome says. “I hadn’t thought through that there would be an age difference. Other than having a baby, we didn’t have much in common with each other.”
Rome’s situation isn’t that unusual. “The differences for older mothers are pretty profound as they’re in a different place in their own lives than younger moms,” says Lois Nachamie, founder and director of the So Glad We Waited Network, a series of workshops and support groups for first-time older parents, and author of, So Glad We Waited!: A Hand-Holding Guide for Over-35 Parents . Nachamie saw the need for the Network while teaching general parenting classes and noticing that there were always one or two women who were much older than everyone else. “I noticed that they had more of a background in understanding human dynamics so they would parent in a different way,” she explains.
Their needs were different than their younger counterparts, too. For instance, older moms are generally more established in their careers than younger moms, and this can sometimes lead to conflict. “Either these women are stay-at-home moms who are agonizing about the fact that they left a career and now feel left out,” notes Nachamie, “or they have very high-stress jobs while they are raising their children.” That’s not to say that younger moms don’t have careers—they do—but most aren’t experiencing the same pressures since they’re not in the same career hierarchy as mature mothers. Furthermore, most 20-something moms can walk out the corporate door to raise their children with little fear of re-entering the workforce once their kids reach school age. It’s not so easy, however, to pick up where you left off in your career when you’re 50.
Furthermore, many older first-time moms had to deal with years of infertility, many conceiving through assisted reproduction therapy. “That’s not something that you usually go around talking about,” says Rome, “especially with younger women who, boom! It happens. It just happens. It happens the way it always happens!”
Rome’s participation in Nachami’s midlife parenting group has been positive (she’s been a member for nearly two years), and her isolation quickly turned to elation. “Just the experience of being with other women like me and sharing those feelings was a relief,” she says. “I think it has been for all of us.” 
“The women derive a lot of pleasure with other women who feel what they’re feeling,” stresses Nachamie. “It’s built in assessment and validation that they don’t get from anywhere else.”
Rita Putnam, 58, a program officer for New York State Council of the Arts agrees. “The group feels like a solid foundation,” she says. Wanting to expand her own community, Putnam joined the Network when her daughter was just seven months old. “Certainly my friends weren’t having kids. My friends’ children are either in college or out, or my friends are having grandkids,” she says. After more than two years in the group, Putnam has established strong relationships with several of the other members in the group that she values tremendously. “Some of the people you meet informally or at school come and go,” she explains. “This group offers a wonderful safety net for me.”
The benefits are clear, but what can you do if you can’t find a mid-life support group or a playgroup for you and your new baby? Then do what Nancy London of Santa Fe, NM did and start one of your own.
If You Build It, She Will Come
When she was 44, London gave birth to a daughter. Although elated to be a first-time mother (she had miscarried five times previously), she felt isolated. Furthermore, her needs were changing, too. “I struggled with the older-mom issues in private,” she explains, referring to symptoms of peri-menopause and just the sheer lack of energy some days. “I didn’t know any other older moms, so I assumed I was somehow lacking in feeling more tired and in needing more time to myself.”
Self-help parenting books weren’t very useful either since most were written with younger demographics in mind. If London did find a book for the midlife mom, it assumed her children were already grown. Then in 1997, when her daughter was eight years old, London put a very small ad in the local paper and asked if there were any other first-time moms over 40 who’d like to get together and discuss midlife parenting. “Basically I was trolling for other mothers who were experiencing the highs and the lows and the joys and challenges of raising kids as a mature woman,” she says.
What happened next shocked even her. Dozens of women flocked to the first meeting. Although trained as a therapist and familiar with many women’s issues (she’s one of the original authors of Our Bodies, Ourselves), London had no idea how she’d run the group. She came armed with lots of ice-breaking exercises but she never needed them. “Women were waiting in the hallway—still with their coats on—talking about their sex lives,” she laughs. “So I thought, ‘Looks like we have a winner here.’”
Starting Your Own Group
Although Nachamie and London each had experience in leading workshops prior to establishing their current groups, it’s not impossible for the average Joe (or in this case, Josephine) to start a support group or playgroup of her own.
First order of business is deciding the type of group you’d like to form. What are your goals or purpose? Would you like to lead the group or would you prefer a leaderless group? “If it’s a self-formed group, people can toss out their ideas,” explains Nachamie. How about a book club? Bunco? Or would you prefer to have someone to present a topic each week?
If you’d like the kids included then you might want to try a playgroup where it’s more social and less parent education. This is probably the easiest type of group to form, too. Choose a common area like a playground or someone’s home where everyone can meet once a week (rotate homes with all the other moms in the group). Create a roster with everyone’s name, phone number, and email address so members can get in touch with each other outside the group, too. And, Nachamie urges, don’t forget to provide a fun snack. “I think food has a way of making people feel comfortable together,” she explains.
If you’d prefer a support group atmosphere, sans kids, you’ll need to consider the following: Who is the typical member and how will you find her? You can do what London did and place an ad in your local paper or ask your OB/GYN if she would be willing to post a note on her waiting room bulletin board. Your local library, supermarket, and health club are all other places to post a notice—anywhere where women congregate.
Will you limit the size of the group? Where will you meet, how often, when (evenings, afternoons, or weekends), and for how long? London began her Santa Fe group in the office of a local non-profit organization. As the group grew (which didn’t take long), she began to rent a space in a local church.
During your first meeting, have everyone fill out a “member profile card” listing her name, address, phone number, e-mail address and any other information you think might be useful. What basic rules will you set up? For instance, how will you handle chronic tardiness or disagreements within the group?
“The goal is to create a safe place, a fun place,” notes Sherry Reinhardt, who runs a series of support groups for mothers in Berkeley, California. “I think once a month, groups should put evaluation on their agenda. This is not just for solving challenges early, but for continued affirmation of the value of the group.” Reinhardt, who has counseled more than 6,000 mothers to date, stresses tackling group challenges early before they grow and become problems within the group. “Too often, people start missing meetings and the feelings grow bigger and bigger and they are more difficult to bring up.” Evaluate as you go.
And finally, will you charge dues for things like postage? How about a group name? And should you have a newsletter? Most importantly, however, is to include time for socializing either at the beginning or end of each meeting. After all, the most important aspect of any group is the enjoyment each member gets from the community of like-minded women and building long-lasting friendships.
—Christina Tinglof, editor
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