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Q: My daughter and husband have fraternal twins, a boy and girl who are now 5 years old. They are sleeping in the same bedroom and have been since birth. At what age should they have their own rooms?
--D. F.
A: Your question is one that inevitably pops up in all families with more than one child but in the case of twins, and in your particular case, boy-girl twins, there are many more issues at play.
When twins are young, there’s no doubt that sharing a bedroom offers comfort and companionship. After all, nighttime doesn’t seem so lonely or scary to a child when a sibling is nearby. In fact, many parents report (I include myself in that group) that sharing a bedroom actually promotes quality sleep with less waking in the middle of the night. But for some toddler twins, sharing a room may actually disrupt the other’s sleep especially at nap time when one twin decides he’d rather play than rest. If this is a concern, many parents have found that when they set up a port-a-crib in another location such as a home office or den, both twins can get their afternoon shuteye without much disruption.
On the other hand, twins have always been expected to share more than singletons simply because they were born “a pair.” Many parents of twins place the duo together in a single bedroom even if another is available simply believing that twins should be together to promote their special bond. Yet because of this forced sharing, some twins have a harder time individuating or developing a sense of autonomy. Or, some twin roommates end up squabbling over territory. Many twin experts, therefore, believe that parents should strongly advocate for their twins’ own personal space and that means offering each child his or her own room. No need to worry that the twin bond will suffer by this new arrangement. By allowing each child a bit of privacy to discover his own distinct personality, their bond will actually strengthen.
Your question has one more component, perhaps the most important: should brothers and sisters share the same bedroom? At some point, most twins ask for individual rooms especially boy-girl twins where issues of personal privacy and modesty come into play. As opposite-sex twins reach puberty, they may begin to feel more self conscious about their bodies and uncomfortable in sharing the same space but not know how to broach the subject with their parents. Mom and Dad should therefore begin the discussion of personal privacy and appropriate boundaries early in their twins’ lives, and when they reach the school years, offer each twin a space of his or her own.
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Q: I have 23-month-old boy-girl twins, and recently over the past few months, they’ve both been competing for my attention and affection. My morning routine usually consists of cuddling with my early-bird son for about an hour, and then when my daughter wakes up, I like to cuddle with her. My son has been showing signs of jealousy and has been crying when he sees me holding my daughter. I've tried holding them together, and then they just hit each other. If I put my daughter down, then she starts crying. Any advice on how to handle such a difficult situation?
—B.H.
A: It’s an everyday dilemma—one mom, two babies. What’re you to do?
First, you’re on the right track in trying to give each of your twins a bit of Mommy-and-Me time. Continue to brainstorm to find ways in which to carve out some alone time with each child as it’s important not only for your twins’ individuation and social development, but also for your bonding separately with each of them. And although it seems frustrating right now, competing for mom’s attention is a normal stage in any child’s life, one all children soon outgrow as they learn to cooperate with each other. Yet with twins who are at the same developmental stage in life, this sibling rivalry seems more pronounced and therefore more worrisome when in fact, it’s not.
As frustrating as this struggle for your attention must be for you, it’s equally difficult for your twins. Just as your son is relishing his special time with Mommy, along comes his sister to break it up and take you away. On the other hand, your daughter wakes up to find her brother occupying all your time, leaving her to cry, “What about me?” Encourage your twins to voice their frustration or give them the words if they’re struggling to express themselves. (“You don’t want Mommy to hold brother? You want Mommy to cuddle with you instead?”) When children are given the opportunity to communicate their emotions such as anger or jealousy, it actually helps them to better control those feelings.
A couple of other practical ideas also come to mind: try engaging your son in a special activity (such as a craft project or a favorite video) about fifteen minutes before your daughter wakes up. With his attention elsewhere, perhaps he won’t be so focused on you as you give your daughter some alone time. Furthermore, some moms in your situation have found that another person “playing interference” works well. Have your husband or maybe even a Mother’s Helper take over with your son just before your daughter wakes up.
There are other strategies that you can try, too. Look for other ways in which to give each child some special alone time. During the weekends, for instance, simply taking one twin to the store for a half hour offers a bit of alone time. Or enlist the help of a spouse or grandparent—you each take one twin on a short errand and then all four of you can meet up for ice cream or a romp in a neighborhood park.
If your morning routine continues to cause trouble, maybe you can forgo the ritual, at least temporarily, and focus on other times of the day to offer one-on-one cuddling. Your twins will eventually outgrow this stage, and you’ll be free to resume your early morning snuggle-fest.
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Q: My identical twin girls are in the same kindergarten class at a small school and are doing very well. Buy my husband has been transferred to a different city and the girls will be going to a much larger school next year. I want them to stay together in the same class next year but I’m afraid the school will separate them. I have to enroll them next week when I meet with their new principal. Any advice?
—J.C.R.
A: Don’t assume that your daughters’ new school will arbitrarily separate them. More and more school administrators are educating themselves on the special needs of multiples. First order of business, however, is to call the new school directly and ask what is their policy concerning siblings and classroom placement. If they tell you that it’s their policy to separate all multiples, ask to see the policy in writing. (Few have such a written policy.) Next, contact your daughters’ current kindergarten teacher as well as the school’s principal and ask them both to write letters outlining how well your daughters functioned together in class. For instance, ask them to comment on your daughters’ social development, and how they interact with a variety of children, not just with each other.
If during your meeting with the new principal, she advocates for separation, listen and address each of her concerns calmly. Point out that there are no published studies indicating that placing twins together has an adverse affect on the children. (In fact, there are several research papers that claim just the opposite. Google “classroom placement and twins” to see what’s available. Many are published in research journals and will require a small fee to access them.) You may also explain that since your daughters will need some time to adjust to their new city and school, you’d prefer to have them together. If she still balks, ask if you can place them together on a trial basis. (The thinking here is that your daughters will do so well that the principal will all but forget about the situation.) If you still meet with resistance, you can always try calling the superintendent of the school district and ask for a meeting to state your case directly.
For more information about twins and classroom separation, check out, “The Great Debate: Multiples and Classroom Placement,” a sixteen-minute video.
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Christina Baglivi Tinglof 
