|
Q: I have three-month-old identical twin boys. I had always planned on them sleeping together in the same crib but on the day we were discharged from the hospital after their birth, the staff said absolutely no sleeping together. I was devastated but the staff explained it was to prevent infant death. I feel like this has affected my sons’ “twin bond” because they can never nap or sleep together. They’re never physically close unless we lay them on the floor side by side (which is rare). Because they were together for months in the womb but now cannot be near each other while sleeping, do you think this has affected their twin connection or bond?
—T.L.
A: Many parents cobed their twins as a way to slowly transition their newborns from a positive intrauterine experience where the duo cuddled closely together for many months in the womb to a somewhat jarring post uterine life. According to anecdotal reports, when twins share a crib for the first few months of life, it mimics the intrauterine environment helping to synchronize their wake/sleep cycles and promote development and growth. Furthermore, in Europe where cobedding is often regularly practiced in hospital neonatal units, some practitioners believe it helps to regulate body temperature, respiratory and heart rate, and even decreases the likelihood of apnea.
But as you learned first hand, not everyone believes the benefits of cobedding outweigh the risks. Opponents point out possible dangers of the practice especially in a NICU environment where the nursing staff could accidentally give medication to the wrong infant. Once twins are home, there’s also fear of suffocation or even strangulation if, for example, one baby inadvertently rolls over onto the other or one gets tangled up in the other’s bedding or apnea cords.
Although many parents of twins have used cobedding successfully (myself included), the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) published a paper in 2007 concluding that the current research looking at both the risks and the benefits does not support the practice. In other words, since the benefits are not definitive and purely anecdotal, “parents should be encouraged to follow established safe-sleep practices for infants at home.”
But what about the twins bond? Will not sharing a crib affect their ability to connect with one another? Absolutely not.
First, your identical twins share 100 percent of their DNA. They are hardwired to bond. Even fraternal twins who share only 50 percent of their DNA will likely be close friends, too. Yes, the twin bond begins in utero but it doesn’t stop once your twins are born. It continues to grow and evolve throughout their lives by their shared home environment as well as the many experiences they’ll have in common such as developmental milestones, birthdays, schooling, hobbies, and so forth.
Although you may find your present situation frustrating, there are several ways in which you can ease your anxiety. Continue to give your boys “tummy time” together every day. Not only will they love to kick and squirm next to one another but it’s also a form of baby aerobics as it builds their neck and leg muscles. Try nursing or bottle feeding your boys side by side on a nursing pillow where they’ll have the ability to touch as well as sense the other’s presence. Or, how about putting them both in an infant sling where they both can snuggle next to you?
Remember that the twin bond will take care of itself no matter what you do. As a new parent to twins, focus instead on building their autonomy. Make sure to spend time alone with each baby every day. And as they grow, encourage each to pursue his own interests. This will go a long way in helping them to develop a strong sense of individuality which, in turn, will promote a deeper twin bond between the pair.
. . . .
Q: My identical twin girls are in second grade. The school tried to put them in separate classes last year without consulting with us. This upset my girls very much so I pushed and had them put back into the same class. It’s midway through the year now and the school is suggesting again that next year the girls should separate. “Twin A” struggles focusing at school a lot. When asked in private, she tells me that she would like to try being in a different class because she would be compared less to her sister. “Twin B” gets emotional and does not want her sister to go to another class because she says she feels calmer and more secure with her sister around. I worry about the dynamics it may cause with different birthday invitations, school projects, play dates, and best friends. I’m also concerned that the school is viewing this as a simple fix to “Twin A’s” learning challenges when I believe there are more factors at play. We always said we would keep them together until they were old enough to ask to be separated. I didn’t plan for the chance that one would be ready before the other. Do I keep them together and continue focusing on the learning issues for “Twin A” to help her feel more confident? Or do we split them up allowing one to feel more independent while risking the other one feeling hurt or abandoned?
—J.P.
A: You've touched upon several different issues that I’ll address one by one. First, if "Twin A" is struggling in school by all means insist that she be tested by the school. I agree with your statement, "I am also concerned that the school is viewing this as a simple fix to Twin A’s learning challenges, when I believe there are more factors at play." Often school administrators think that separation is a panacea for all that ails a twin. It often is not. Therefore, you need to know what issues (if any) “Twin A” may be facing. The school may discourage testing as it's a big expense that they must incur, but stand your ground and have her evaluated. This is the perfect time to do it--she's only in second grade. If there is a learning issue, it's better to catch it early for a greater chance of remediation.
Next, since "Twin A" has expressed a desire to be in a separate classroom, you should accommodate her wishes. (We'll talk about "Twin B's" reaction in a moment.) My own twins are now 15. Over the years, they've covered every classroom combination. They attended preschool together, they were separated from kindergarten through third grade, shared fourth and fifth grade classrooms, and then have been separated ever since (although they do share a Spanish class this year). We've talked together about this subject often. Although they enjoyed being together (to a certain degree, of course), they hated how the other kids reacted to them. They were constantly bombarded with comparisons, some innocent ("Who's taller?"), many intrusive ("Who did better on the math test?"). They tried to make light of these comments but they grew weary of them.
You write that you’re worried that your twins’ bond will suffer if you separate them but the opposite is often the case. Over the years I’ve interviewed and met hundreds of parents of multiples who have all said the same thing: Classroom separation actually helped and strengthened their twins' relationship. Without so much "face time," many twins are then free to be themselves. Plus, being in separate classrooms reduces the stress of having to take care of or being responsible for one's twin. Each child is solely responsible for herself. And in the end, that's what you want to help facilitate--two strong, independent girls.
Now, on to "Twin B's" reaction to separation. It sounds as if she needs a self-esteem boost but it's unfair to burden "Twin A" to make that happen. Tap into "Twin B's" personal passions and encourage her interests. Find an activity that just she enjoys but leave “Twin A” out of the equation. Perhaps you can enroll her in a martial arts class after school as it's a wonderful way for children to build their self esteem as it teaches discipline and hard work. Furthermore, don't overlook something as simple as spending more alone time with each child, especially "Twin B,” as it will help to reduce her anxiety. Spending some one-on-one time with each child is vastly different than spending time with "the pair." They open up to you more, building a much tighter bond with the parent in the process.
And finally, you need to consider that "Twin A" may feel resentment from having to share a classroom, and that "Twin B" may feel guilty for wanting to be together. Therefore, take the decision-making out of their hands. I believe that kids look to their parents for their reaction in times of stress. So put on a happy face! You and your husband should make the decision of what to do for next year and then slowly ease the girls into the idea. You have plenty of time before the new school year begins.
. . . .
Q: I’m about to register my identical twin girls for kindergarten. They are very close and I’ve been told that to foster their independence I should separate them. One seems to lean on the other a lot so I can see how separate classrooms might be better in terms of preventing codependency. My town has a half day kindergarten program so it wouldn’t be a full day of separation. Yet I also know it’s going to be traumatic for them in the beginning since they are so close. I keep alternating between wanting to keep my twins together as they would feel more comfortable being in the same classroom, and separating them so that they have the opportunity to experience being on their own. I’d appreciate any advice you may have.
—C.P.
A: By far, the classroom placement issue is the number one concern of parents of twins. Heading to kindergarten is a big deal for all children as many have to learn to separate from Mom and Dad for the very first time. But with twins there’s an added component—they must also learn to separate from their cotwins. And for some multiples, especially closely bonded identical twins, this first-time parting can be especially painful.
The good news is that the research shows that young twins who share the same classroom do just fine in developing identity and autonomy. In fact, several studies actually found that when twins were forced to separate during the first few years of school they suffer from more internalizing problems (anxiety, depression) than those twins who shared the same classroom. Zygosity played a factor, too, with identical twins encountering problems more often than fraternal twins.
It’s important to note that subsequent follow-up studies have found that when you account for the twins’ pre-existing conditions (disruptive behavior and pre-literacy capabilities—two factors that play a role in deciding classroom placement), classroom assignment became much less significant. Furthermore, the problems dissipated by age 12, meaning that classroom separation does not have any long-term consequences. Yet the point remains that when it comes to early socialization and identity formation, twins in the same classroom do just fine!
That’s the professional opinion.
My personal opinion is a bit different. I usually tell parents that if you can separate your twins you should as habits between the twins themselves as well as how others view your twins are set very early and are sometimes hard to break. When you’re twins and you’re both invited to the same birthday parties, the same play dates and so forth, as time goes on it becomes more difficult to strike out on your own even when you have the desire. Conversely, when classmates see twins constantly together, they sometimes begin to relate to the pair as a unit.
Bottom line? If your twins make friends easily, show an interest in being on their own, or have regularly spent some time apart, then enroll them in different classes. Yet if they still cling to each other and show anxiety about the prospect of being separated, by all means keep them together for kindergarten and then slowing start preparing them for separation in first grade. Start simply by taking one out for the afternoon to run errands while the other stays at home with Dad. Focus on each child’s personal passions and perhaps enroll each in a different after-school activity. Arrange double but separate play dates with classmates, or schedule solo sleepovers at Grandma’s house. The greatest gift you can give any child is the opportunity to shine on her own.
Q: My identical twin girls are in the same kindergarten class at a small school and are doing very well. Buy my husband has been transferred to a different city and the girls will be going to a much larger school next year. I want them to stay together in the same class next year but I’m afraid the school will separate them. I have to enroll them next week when I meet with their new principal. Any advice?
—J.C.R.
A: Don’t assume that your daughters’ new school will arbitrarily separate them. More and more school administrators are educating themselves on the special needs of multiples. First order of business, however, is to call the new school directly and ask what is their policy concerning siblings and classroom placement. If they tell you that it’s their policy to separate all multiples, ask to see the policy in writing. (Few have such a written policy.) Next, contact your daughters’ current kindergarten teacher as well as the school’s principal and ask them both to write letters outlining how well your daughters functioned together in class. For instance, ask them to comment on your daughters’ social development, and how they interact with a variety of children, not just with each other.
If during your meeting with the new principal, she advocates for separation, listen and address each of her concerns calmly. Point out that there are no published studies indicating that placing twins together has an adverse affect on the children. (In fact, there are several research papers that claim just the opposite. Google “classroom placement and twins” to see what’s available. Many are published in research journals and will require a small fee to access them.) You may also explain that since your daughters will need some time to adjust to their new city and school, you’d prefer to have them together. If she still balks, ask if you can place them together on a trial basis. (The thinking here is that your daughters will do so well that the principal will all but forget about the situation.) If you still meet with resistance, you can always try calling the superintendent of the school district and ask for a meeting to state your case directly.
. . . .
Q: Both of my six-year-old twin girls tried out for first-grade choir. One twin made the choir and the other didn’t. (She’s a little shy and cried instead of auditioning.) How do I help the one who didn’t make it cope with the disappointment? She often feels left out because of her low self confidence. How can I boost her confidence so this doesn’t keep happening? It tears me apart.
—H.Y.
A: They may be born on the same day but twins are unique, individual people and it’s inevitable that some day soon one will make the team, win the science award, get the lead in the school play, or receive acceptance at a prestigious college while the other does not. And as a parent of multiples, you have to learn to walk that fine line between comforting the twin who didn’t make it while truly congratulating the twin who did. Although it’s important to help your twin who didn’t get in the choir deal with the negative emotions that will accompany the disappointment, it shouldn’t be at the expense of the daughter who did make it.
Throughout life, many new situations and developmental milestones are sometimes met by brief cycles of frustration, negativity, and even rejection. Your daughter who didn’t make the choir will look to you for guidance in handling this setback. It will be your positive attitude that will set the tone, and help her learn to grow, mature and accept that life isn’t always fair. With your loving help, she will bounce back.
On the other hand, your daughter who did succeed in making choir is also looking to you for acceptance and positive reinforcement. She needs to know that you’re proud of her accomplishment. After all, she did win a spot in the choir! Although she may not outwardly show it, she may also be harboring a bit of guilt as well as it’s tough to compete against your own cotwin. She may feel that because she made it, her cotwin did not.
So how do you handle these two conflicting dichotomies?
First, be understanding to your daughter who didn’t make choir but don’t talk your way out of her situation. Just listen as she expresses her feelings. Perhaps you can relate to your daughter by giving her an example of how you handled a major defeat when you were her age. If she expresses jealousy towards her cotwin for making choir, explain that it’s OK to feel both envy as well as pride for her sister. But part of growing up is rising above the negative feelings and moving on.
Furthermore, try to encourage each of your daughters to pursue their own personal passions. Unfortunately, when they both try out for the same activity, especially where one excels and the other struggles, often one becomes the “winner” and the other the “loser.” Try to gently steer each girl to a different hobby or sport where they each show individual strengths. This is a good strategy as they won’t always have to compete head-to-head in the future. Since one of your daughters needs a bit of self esteem building, why not introduce her to the martial arts? Karate, tae kwon do, kung fu and even kickboxing are enormously beneficial in building mental strength. Before long, your daughter’s confidence will grow as she’ll learn she can do anything she sets her mind to.
And finally, I can’t stress enough the importance of spending time alone with each daughter. When twins get one-on-one time with either Mom or Dad, they are free to verbally express themselves without fear of censorship from a cotwin and you get to dole out some motherly advice along with your undivided attention.
. . . .
Q: I’m a working mom of five-year-old fraternal twin girls. They’re currently in preschool three days a week. On the days they don’t attend I send them to separate baby-sitters. I’ve done this for almost a year as I’ve always felt they should be independent of each other. They’re both completely different in every way from looks to likes. I have never referred to them as “twins,” using each girl’s name separately and I’ve enforced this with family and friends.
But it seems even on their separate days they argue and fight terribly. If “Twin A” wants to borrow “Twin B’s” toy, “Twin B” says “no” it’s her special toy. I’ve always agreed that they each has their own toys and a special toy does not have to be shared. “Twin A” gets hurt and uses the she-isn’t-sharing line but when I reinforce the special toy rule, “Twin A” says “Twin B” hurt her feelings. “Twin B” also purposely ignores “Twin A.” When “Twin A” calls “Twin B’s” name a hundred times in a row getting no response, of course I step in because if I hear the name one more time I’m going to scream, but “Twin B” says she wants to play alone. It is frustrating.
Several of my friends who have fraternal twins as well feel I have forced the individuality too much and now they’re just not close. What can I do so that my twins will be friends with each other and have the “twin” bond every speaks of?
—B.H.
A: There’s nothing more frustrating for parents than to see their children bickering and fighting with one another. And when you’re the parent to twins, triplets or quads, it hits especially hard as we’ve all been told that multiples have a special and unique bond. Yet it's totally bogus that your twins’ fighting is because you've nurtured their individuality. I can't tell you how many parents I've met where it's just the opposite—their twins fight constantly because they spend way too much time together. And when the parents finally give their twins some breathing room—time away from each other where each child is free to be an individual rather than a twin--presto! The kids get along much better.
Remember, fraternal twins are merely siblings born on the same day. They don’t share their entire DNA with their cotwins as identical twins do so therefore they can have vastly different personalities, dispositions, likes as well as dislikes. Yet everyone who comes into contact with fraternal twins assumes that they’re best friends, soul mates. Talk about high expectations! Some fraternal twins are close from the day they are born; others are not. But even if twins aren’t close as children, that still doesn’t mean they won’t be close some day. Think of your own siblings. Perhaps you fought constantly with them when you were kids (I know I did with my sisters) but now as adults, you have solid, close relationships. Keep in mind, too, that all siblings fight. Your girls are young and just beginning to get to an age where they're learning about the world around them, to negotiate for what they want, and to put their feelings into words.
Furthermore, from the research that I've read on twin subsets (identical boys, identical girls, fraternal boys, fraternal girls, and boy/girl twins), it's fraternal girls that are the most independent, have more outside relationships and fewer shared friends, and experience more inter-twin conflicts than all other twin subsets. These qualifications were merely the girls' observations of their differences rather than a statement of dislike for their cotwins, and it was these differences that helped them to define their relationships. Many fraternal twin girls believe that their relationship with their cotwins is constantly changing and evolving. But most importantly, they don’t view this as a negative aspect to their twinship.
Bottom line? Your girls behavior isn’t out of the norm and is sure to mature as they grow older.
In the meantime, however, there are a few things that you can do to help them navigate their relationship more peacefully. For instance, you may want to examine how you react to your daughters’ fighting. While you should never let one twin physically hurt the other, you shouldn't take sides or intervene for every infraction either as it can intensify their rivalry. Instead, try to be more of a referee only stepping in when necessary. Let them work out their toy squabbles on their own. I know it's frustrating to listen to the arguing so why not try distraction techniques ("Hey, let's watch a DVD!" "Anyone want to go to the park?") when their conflicts appear to be heating up.
Continue to offer them opportunities to do what each girl would like independent of the other but perhaps you can find some common ground in their relationship, too. Look for activities where they both enjoy playing together or have a common interest. Drawing? Cooking? Music? A particular board game? Compliment them when you do see them cooperating with each other, maybe even offer an after-dinner treat as a reward. Finally, focus and praise the positive behavior and ignore the negative.
. . . .
Q: I have six-year-old twins that just started first grade. One of my twins (Twin A) plays great with other kids, but always leaves the other twin out (Twin B). For example, at the pool this summer “Twin A” wouldn’t allow “Twin B” to get on the raft in the water or sit beside him to eat. However, at home they are best friends. It is very hurtful to “Twin B.” He feels betrayed. And sometimes he is left with the ill-behaved boys or girls to hang with as his brother is better at making friends. Last year we did not have problems at school. I hope this year is the same. I just worry after the summer we had. Every play date ended in tears. I can't put them in two different classes since we go to a small private school. If you have any good ideas, please let me know!
—A.L.
A: Parents of multiples always worry when their twins hit a bump in their relationship since we’ve been so programmed to believe that all twins are soul mates and should always get along with one another. But the reality is that it rarely happens! Like all siblings, twins have their ups and downs in their relationship. Furthermore, by the time they reach the school years, many twins begin to crave outside friendships and new experiences independent of their cotwins. Unfortunately, one twin within the twinship is often ready to venture out before the other, thus causing conflict. With “Twin A” acting out in this way (i.e. not wanting to play with his cotwin in public) he might be trying to break free on his own. Call it a temporary break up of the twinship or a mid-twin crisis. Either way, it sounds as though “Twin A” needs more freedom from the twinship. After years of sharing everything with his cotwin, he may just need less face time with his brother.
You are entering a new phase of twin parenting, one where you’ll need to tread lightly. On the one hand, try to be sensitive to “Twin A’s” need for new friendships, and as his parent, you should actually encourage it. Perhaps you can arrange to let him go out on a play date without his cotwin. Still, acting rudely towards his brother shouldn’t be allowed. Teach him to calmly use his words to express when he wants to be left alone.
On the other hand, you should avoid casting “Twin B” in the role of “victim.” Yes, it’s very hurtful to be rejected but you can’t force their relationship. It’s fine to listen to his concerns but try to empower “Twin B” instead. Perhaps you can enroll him in a marital arts class where he can build up his self esteem and also make some new friends in the process. Help him find an area where he can shine on his own (music? art? computers?), out from under the shadow of his brother. And certainly talk with his teacher. Not only can she keep an eye out for potential problems but she can also pair “Twin B” with another child in class that could use some Big Brother mentoring.
The bottom line? Offer each boy more positive time apart. Since they can’t be separated at school, try other avenues such as different sports or after-school activities. And finally, get in the habit of taking each child out independently. Some alone time with either Mom or Dad is invaluable in helping each child develop a strong sense of self.
. . . .
Q: I have 23-month-old boy-girl twins, and recently over the past few months, they’ve both been competing for my attention and affection. My morning routine usually consists of cuddling with my early-bird son for about an hour, and then when my daughter wakes up, I like to cuddle with her. My son has been showing signs of jealousy and has been crying when he sees me holding my daughter. I've tried holding them together, and then they just hit each other. If I put my daughter down, then she starts crying. Any advice on how to handle such a difficult situation?
—B.H.
A: It’s an everyday dilemma—one mom, two babies. What’re you to do?
First, you’re on the right track in trying to give each of your twins a bit of Mommy-and-Me time. Continue to brainstorm to find ways in which to carve out some alone time with each child as it’s important not only for your twins’ individuation and social development, but also for your bonding separately with each of them. And although it seems frustrating right now, competing for mom’s attention is a normal stage in any child’s life, one all children soon outgrow as they learn to cooperate with each other. Yet with twins who are at the same developmental stage in life, this sibling rivalry seems more pronounced and therefore more worrisome when in fact, it’s not.
As frustrating as this struggle for your attention must be for you, it’s equally difficult for your twins. Just as your son is relishing his special time with Mommy, along comes his sister to break it up and take you away. On the other hand, your daughter wakes up to find her brother occupying all your time, leaving her to cry, “What about me?” Encourage your twins to voice their frustration or give them the words if they’re struggling to express themselves. (“You don’t want Mommy to hold brother? You want Mommy to cuddle with you instead?”) When children are given the opportunity to communicate their emotions such as anger or jealousy, it actually helps them to better control those feelings.
A couple of other practical ideas also come to mind: try engaging your son in a special activity (such as a craft project or a favorite video) about fifteen minutes before your daughter wakes up. With his attention elsewhere, perhaps he won’t be so focused on you as you give your daughter some alone time. Furthermore, some moms in your situation have found that another person “playing interference” works well. Have your husband or maybe even a Mother’s Helper take over with your son just before your daughter wakes up.
There are other strategies that you can try, too. Look for other ways in which to give each child some special alone time. During the weekends, for instance, simply taking one twin to the store for a half hour offers a bit of alone time. Or enlist the help of a spouse or grandparent—you each take one twin on a short errand and then all four of you can meet up for ice cream or a romp in a neighborhood park.
If your morning routine continues to cause trouble, maybe you can forgo the ritual, at least temporarily, and focus on other times of the day to offer one-on-one cuddling. Your twins will eventually outgrow this stage, and you’ll be free to resume your early morning snuggle-fest.
. . . .
Q: I have fraternal twin boys who are 16 months old. Recently one of the boys has become super aggressive. He steals his brother's toys, hits, bites, throws food and bangs his head on the wall or the floor. It seems like nothing I can do will make him happy or calm him down. Any advice you can give me would be great.
—J.L.
A: Toddler anger and aggression is caused by frustration and in many cases is not only normal but healthy. Biting, hitting, throwing food, and yes, even head banging, are all common ways for a frustrated toddler to behave. Although I’m sure that’s comforting news, it certainly doesn’t help your level of frustration at this point in time! But in order to help your son deal with his aggressiveness, you’ll need to try to understand it first.
Many factors contribute to a toddler’s feeling of frustration. For instance, your son may grow increasingly irritated at the beginning of a new developmental stage such as mastering his fine motor skills. If he’s struggling with his shirt buttons and then collapses onto the floor in a pool of tears, don’t react negatively but rather show patience and understanding. Practice the new skill together when your son is calm and open to learning. Or perhaps he’s not quite developmentally ready to take on sharing toys with his co-twin. As parents of multiples we all know that young twins must not only learn to share their toys a bit more often but sooner than singleton children do. Yet it’s a learned skill. Help your son master the art of sharing by congratulating him when he does (and ignoring the times when he can’t). Or, teach by example. (“Look! Daddy is sharing the newspaper with Mommy. Thanks Daddy!”) Or, play “The Sharing Game” as a family. Everyone sits in a circle on the floor with a favorite rolling toy such as a soccer ball or truck. Roll the toy to your son and say, “It’s your turn!” Then encourage him to share by rolling it to someone else. You can award pretzel sticks or stickers each time your son politely shares.
Biological factors may also be a contributing factor to his negative behavior. He could naturally be more inflexible than his co-twin. Or, he may have an auditory or speech disorder. At 16 months old, your twin son may be frustrated in trying to verbally communicate his needs and wants to both you and his co-twin. Some studies have shown that speech delay and aggression in children may be related. In fact, a study published in 2003 in Developmental Psychology, found a link between physical aggression and lack of expressive vocabulary in 19-month-old twins. And finally, think about your home and/or daycare environment. Overcrowding, not enough toys or even a lack of adult attention may cause some of his negative behavior. Take some time to simply observe your child in his environment and watch for his trigger points—is he tired, is he hungry, is he lonely—and make accommodations where needed.
It’s important to remember too that your goal is not to repress your twin’s anger—he’s allowed his feelings—but rather to help him channel his frustration in a more constructive way. However, if he continually hurts himself or his co-twin, or you feel his behavior is out of control, he may need to be evaluated by a professional as it could signal an emotional problem.
More Tips for Responding to an Aggressive Twin:
 Carve out alone time with each twin separately every day. All children crave one-on-one time with their parents, especially twins who often don’t get enough. Positive parental attention and affection often curtails negative behavior.
 As long as he’s not hurting himself or others, try to ignore the negative behavior but not the child. Catch him when he does act in a kind, caring or cooperative way and praise him enthusiastically. (“Wow! I like how you gave your brother that cookie. That was so thoughtful!”)
When a child hits or bites his co-twin, firmly tell him that the behavior is unacceptable. Be specific. (“No. You may not bite. Biting hurts.”) Then turn all your attention to comforting the victim.
Help your child express himself and his frustrations verbally. (“You seem angry that your brother is riding the tricycle. Do you want a turn? Let’s ask him nicely for a turn.”) If you suspect that your twins’ speech is not on target, get him evaluated by a professional.
Offer ample opportunity for some physical exercise. Engaging in large muscle activity—running, skipping, bike riding—releases tension and negative emotions.
Keep your cool. Diffuse tense situations with humor or try distracting your son with a book or toy. Offer lots of affection in the way of hugs and verbal praise.
. . . .
Q: My twin boys are four months old and I just don't know how to get out of the house alone with them. I am home alone with them during the day and need to be able to get out more for my sanity. I live in a third-floor condo with no elevator. I have about 30 steps before getting to the ground floor and from there I have another two minute walk to our garage. I can barely hold one car seat yet alone two. I don't feel comfortable taking one to the garage at a time since it would take me over five minutes to get back to the condo for the other. There aren’t any storage options at the foot of the stairs, only inside the condo or in the garage. We could leave the car seats in the car. I don't have a twin backpack but I did get the Weego but haven't tried it yet. It sounds weird but I have a fear of dropping them while trying to transport them from the carrier to the car seat. Do you have any suggestions? Do you know of any equipment that could help me? I already use a backpack as their diaper bag. I have read that other moms go up and down the stairs with some strollers but each stretch of my stairs have about 14 steps and are steep.
—J. T.
A: I'm so sorry for your frustration. I remember being home alone with my twins when they were that young and at times it felt very isolating and lonely. Getting out and about with them was important as it really lifted all our spirits.
You’re right in not wanting to leave one twin alone in your condo as you take the other to the car. It’s far too dangerous and should never be considered. So what options do you have left?
Thankfully there are several.
The Weego is a great idea.It will feel uncomfortable and cumbersome in the beginning but if you practice inside your condo walking around with your twins tucked inside perhaps just doing your daily chores, you'll be a pro in no time. Once you feel confident and ready to navigate your staircase, remember to hold the railing with one hand, and wrap your arm around your babies with the other (don’t wear high heels and go slowly). If you don’t like the Weego, some moms have had success with putting one twin in a Baby Bjorn in the front and the other twin in a baby backpack in the back. But remember, always practice getting your twins in and out of whichever carrier you choose in the safety of your own home and on weekends when your husband is around to offer a hand if it gets tricky.
Furthermore, organize for your outings ahead of time, even if your outing is simply going to the grocery store. The night before or early in the morning before your husband leaves the house, put your packed diaper bag, stroller, and car seats in the car. This way when you're ready to head out the door, you can concentrate solely on your babies and not worry about hauling another piece of paraphernalia. You’ll always have free hands.
Are you a member of you local Mothers of Twins Club? I ask because every single member has been in your exact position and most are very willing to help a new mom of twins. Join one of their play groups and ask if someone could help you get out of the house on the day of a scheduled play date. I bet a mom with older twins would be willing to come over and give you a hand so that you can join them all.
If a local club is not an option, form a playgroup of your own and host it in your home. Invite other moms with young children (find them in your neighborhood, at your local church/synagogue, or post a note at your pediatrician’s office). Even though your babies can't exactly play, it doesn't matter. It's all about bonding and socialization with other moms anyway! It may not get you out of the house but it will help you build a network of support.
And finally, as soon as your babies learn to walk, begin teaching them the safest way to traverse down the stairs—backwards. (Should also head downstairs backwards positioning yourself one step lower than your twins to act as a buffer in case one slips.) It may sound crazy but as moms of twins know, we have to teach our kids to do things sooner than singletons or we'll go crazy! Having your twins become more mobile will help you get out of the house but just wait until they start to run in opposite directions once they get outside.
Yes, the fun is just beginning.
. . . .
Q: My daughter and husband have fraternal twins, a boy and girl who are now 5 years old. They are sleeping in the same bedroom and have been since birth. At what age should they have their own rooms?
—D. F.
A: Your question is one that inevitably pops up in all families with more than one child but in the case of twins, and in your particular case, boy-girl twins, there are many more issues at play.
When twins are young, there’s no doubt that sharing a bedroom offers comfort and companionship. After all, nighttime doesn’t seem so lonely or scary to a child when a sibling is nearby. In fact, many parents report (I include myself in that group) that sharing a bedroom actually promotes quality sleep with less waking in the middle of the night. But for some toddler twins, sharing a room may actually disrupt the other’s sleep especially at nap time when one twin decides he’d rather play than rest. If this is a concern, many parents have found that when they set up a port-a-crib in another location such as a home office or den, both twins can get their afternoon shuteye without much disruption.
On the other hand, twins have always been expected to share more than singletons simply because they were born “a pair.” Many parents of twins place the duo together in a single bedroom even if another is available simply believing that twins should be together to promote their special bond. Yet because of this forced sharing, some twins have a harder time individuating or developing a sense of autonomy. Or, some twin roommates end up squabbling over territory. Many twin experts, therefore, believe that parents should strongly advocate for their twins’ own personal space and that means offering each child his or her own room. No need to worry that the twin bond will suffer by this new arrangement. By allowing each child a bit of privacy to discover his own distinct personality, their bond will actually strengthen.
Your question has one more component, perhaps the most important: should brothers and sisters share the same bedroom? At some point, most twins ask for individual rooms especially boy-girl twins where issues of personal privacy and modesty come into play. As opposite-sex twins reach puberty, they may begin to feel more self conscious about their bodies and uncomfortable in sharing the same space but not know how to broach the subject with their parents. Mom and Dad should therefore begin the discussion of personal privacy and appropriate boundaries early in their twins’ lives, and when they reach the school years, offer each twin a space of his or her own.
|
